Kämpa mot eller med varandra
Konflikter hanteras på två sätt, kamp eller samverkan. Det ena kan liknas vid att ställa sig och skrika på varandra om vem som har rätt. Det andra kan liknas vid att sätta sig på samma sida av ett bord och titta på ett problem gemensamt.
Känner du igen dig i scenariot där man skriker på varandra? Det finns fler sätt att göra samma sak. Vår fantasi tycks inte kunna sätta gränser för hur vi strider mot varandra. En del skriker, andra argumenterar, gör sig ömkansvärda, anklagar, hotar, fryser ut, dominerar eller gråter. Målet är detsamma, att vinna kampen mot den andra.
Att kämpa mot varandra är en sorts konflikthantering, en annan är att kämpa med varandra mot problemet. Här brukar fantasin vara mer begränsad men det går att hantera konflikter så att man gemensamt strävar för bådas bästa. Då kan man mötas och kommer närmare varandra istället för att kämpa mot varandra och öka avståndet.
I en konflikt finns följande fyra utgångar:
- Båda förlorar
- Du förlorar och den andra vinner
- Du vinner och den andra förlorar
- Ni är båda vinnare
De tre första resultaten karaktäriseras av att någon förlorar, någon förlorar och får inte sina behov tillgodosedda. Det sista resultatet gör båda parter till vinnare.
Vinna-förlora
Aggressivitet och undvikande, båda har sitt ursprung i föreställningen att vi måste kämpa mot varandra. Att konflikter är en kamp som någon vinner och någon annan förlorar. Även när vi vill varandra väl, när vi vill att båda ska ha det bra kämpar vi mot varandra. Vad gör det med oss och våra relationer?
Kampen får en del att försöka sätta sig över andra, ett aggressivt förhållningssätt till konflikter. Redan som unga lär sig de flesta strategier för att vinna över andra. Vi lär oss kämpa för våra behov och det stärker vår förmåga att ta hand om oss själva, att få vad vi vill ha av människor omkring oss. Samtidigt gör kampen att vi skapar avstånd till andra. Att ständigt kämpa mot andra tär på våra relationer och gör konflikter till något destruktivt.
Undvikande beteende handlar också om kamp och en förväntan om att konflikter förstör relationer. Att man måste ge sig och låta den andra vinna för att behålla relationen. Kanske är det värsta förtrycket det vi utsätter oss själva för. Som när vi inte värderar vårt eget behov så högt att vi tar konflikt för det. Resultatet blir att man tär på sig själv och trots uppoffringen tjänar inte relationen på att man ständigt ger sig.
Jag har genom åren frågat kursdeltagare i mina utbildningar vilka känslor de associerar med konflikter. De som förknippar konflikter med kamp brukar ta upp känslor som oro, ångest, bitterhet, ilska och sorg.
Det är inte konstigt att så många är konflikträdda. Kampen gör själva konflikthanteringen till en obehaglig upplevelse. Inte sällan präglas kampen av angrepp, manipulation och obehagliga känslor. De flesta av oss har lärt oss beteenden som leder till någon av de tre första utgångarna, där minst en av parterna förlorar. Ibland är det svårt att veta vad som känns värst, att förlora själv eller göra någon annan till besviken förlorare.
Vinna-vinna
Destruktivt hanterade konflikter tär på våra relationer och på oss själva. Konstruktivt hanterade konflikter får oss att växa som personer och stärker våra relationer. Konflikter i sig är ett sätt att lära oss om oss själva och andra. De belyser våra olikheter och likheter. Vänds de till en kamp mellan oss kommer de mellan oss. Om vi arbetar tillsammans för de oss samman.
När jag frågar mina kursdeltagare om känslor de förknippar med väl hanterade konflikter och gott samarbete brukar jag få svar som: ökad energi, öppenhet, tillit, lättnad, att växa, närhet.
Konstruktiv konflikthantering är när man möter konflikter så att båda parters behov respekteras. När kamp mot andra ersätts med att stå för det man själv behöver och att hjälpa andra med vad de behöver.
Många grundläggande mänskliga behov som närhet, autonomi, tillhörighet är i själva verket lättare att tillfredsställa om man samtidigt strävar efter att andra ska få dem. Vi tenderar att tänka på konflikter som en kamp om ändliga resurser som mat, pengar, men de flesta konflikter handlar egentligen om underliggande värden som frihet, respekt och liknande som är oändliga resurser. Människor som själva inte får sina behov tillfredsställda brukar vara mer inställda på att hindra andra att uppnå sina mål.
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